I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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