I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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