she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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