Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize