I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
