My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No...this little piggys going to the bar
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
