My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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