You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
