How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
