wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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