my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
