I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
