Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
