omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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