yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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