the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
