The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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