i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
