I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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