I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
