wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
