I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
