I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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