I wish I could punch you in the face.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
