Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Drake has all the answers
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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