Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
