I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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