1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
