My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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