Betty ford says i'm here all night
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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