I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just found puke in my bra..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
