I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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