i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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