What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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