after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
