if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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