I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
