I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
