i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
