hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
