I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
