Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My cat gives me a boner
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
