Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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