Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You ruined the universe
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
