I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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