I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
