p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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