I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
