i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
