you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
