Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
