can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
